Keep breathing

Everything was finally falling into place, after all life's challenges we all seem to face yet I felt I was In a great place, back then I didn't realise how fortunate I was, being healthy, independent, and finally after many attempts and loss's... I was expecting my beautiful baby boy Alfie....

Alfie was born on the 19th April 2011 with a natural birth. Weighing a healthy 6lb13.
I was happiest in forever and felt on top of the world. in love and completely smitten with my baby boy, Trying not to think about my relationship falling apart, little did I no that would be the least of my worries... days after the birth of Alfie, I felt un well, I had mentioned this to my mid wife who had reassured me this was normal and the pains were a result of my uterus contracting back together.... as the days progressed the pains began to worsen, I became feverish, sick, faint, to which I then fainted whilst out at the local shops, my mother had taken me home to rest and she advised me to lie down whilst she would care for my son Alfie.... later she came to check upon me & was helping me up to the bathroom when I collapsed in her arms....

I remember opening my eyes & realising I was at Wythenshawe hospital. This was exactly 14 days after Alfie was born.
At this moment I could feel my body which I can only describe as it was completely shutting down. The doctors were about to discharge me and I remember in a very distressing state begging them to admit me and that if they were to send me out of the hospital I was going to die, then I didn't no why all's I knew was my body was very quickly deteriorating and shutting down, I was very poorly, very distressed, yet mostly I knew something very serious was wrong, my mum was concerned and still caring for my boy whilst I was in no fit state to do so.
The doctors agreed to admit me for 24 hour observation. the next day whilst being examined by a doctor he pressed on my stomach where I screamed out as I felt this excruciating pain...

They booked me in for a uterus scan where it was discovered I had over 10 pieces of placenta which as any one can imagine being rotting away by 15 days it was stuck to my uterus wall which had caused me to develop septicaemia ( blood poisoning )

On the 18th day I was rushed to theatre to undergo a emergency D&C and my mother was told to prepare for the worse.
The procedure was meant to be approximately 50 minutes... which they had informed my mother who was waiting with my new born son, no words can describe her fear... especially when approximately 2 hours into my surgery my mother along with my new born baby went to call for a nurse and asked as she as descrebed....

"Please can you tell me where my daughter is and what is happening" My mother say's the nurse responded " please don't be alarmed although lianza is currently in resuscitation, the doctors are having difficulty reviving her" my mother began to panick as any mother can imagine & responded " please take me to my baby immediately...... "

Having to go back to this traumatising experience is very hard for me yet I no it's now my only hope for both mine and my sons future...Its very hard to speak about everything that happened in theatre that day so i am going to try and keep It as short as possible, I remember fighting for every breath, feeling I couldn't breath and gasping for what little air I could get, I remember looking around and seeing lots of doctors and only thinking in that moment that I was going to die and that I wanted to see my mother and my new born son one last time.

In that moment my heart stopped, the doctors managed to revive me to which I was still fighting for my life, in this moment my mother along with my new born son had just walked into theatre to which I woke from being resuscitated to see my mum by my side holding my hand, I was sobbing yet very quietly, I was in such a traumatising state, I couldn't get my words out & I was struggling to catch my breath, I can remember seeing my mums face, as I'm righting this visions are clear in my mind, I can remember clearly my mum by my side her face full of desperation is so clear in my mind as though it happened yesterday. I can only describe my mum as she was petrified, I remember her telling me to fight, that I had my little boy waiting for me, telling me it's not my time, she was also sobbing as she held my hand tight, I was looking up at her, my Alfie had been put in a hospital crib at the end of my bed, I heard the doctors saying they had to revive me and that my heart had stopped...

listening to the sounds of panic, bleeping hospital machines, but what is most memorable is the sound of my mothers voice, as she was telling me, don't you leave us my baby girl.....

I didn't no then that I had also been administered adrenaline just before my heart was about to stop once again, in that moment I didn't realise the excruciating burning pain coming from my left arm was a result of the adrenaline which was to save my life only in that moment being so traumatised sobbing out trying to get the words out trying to tell my mum something was excruciatingly burning my arm, I was petrified.

The next thing I no, I awoke where I was in critical care, tied to that many tubes and machines.... being on life support and pumps wrapped around my legs, drips in each arm, I remember feeling scared & confused, I was in complete shock and although in my mind I knew what I wanted to say... My question was clear I knew I wanted my mother & to see my baby yet I was unable to speak. I could not say anything. I was un able to speak so much as one word. My recollection is quite vague as I then took another bad turn
up until days later where I awoke to which I was admitted onto a ward. Still to poorly & week to hold my baby..... & at the same time feeling completely heartbroken because my relationship had fallen apart and my partner had began a new relationship with a girl who I thought was a close friend to me, back then she was more than a friend she was a family friend.

I can remember when I felt that my relationship wasn't good & she was the one I turned to, my mum had a lot of struggles herself at this time and this girl being so close to us stepped in as she said to support me, that she would help get things back on Track, I trusted her & truly believed what ever may be I would be able to get through it having her by my side, I think that's what hurt more the fact it was her who betrayed me more than him. If anything back then it was my friendship that meant more, being in the mist of the lies, gossip, betrayal, manipulation, and at the time waking up that day, realising they were together, my heart felt completely shattered.

I didn't no then what I've learnt now, that everything happens for a reason, they were meant to be together, and I'm thankful for how things turned out, I never felt that then, hanging on to a thread that I could rebuild my relationship, and in the mist of all the lies, and talk right on my door step, I had lost so much more, my degree and all I had worked so hard for, most importantly in that moment I lost my health & although I did feel broken I didn't really have time to dwell on it because I had to be as strong and concentrate on getting home to my baby boy.

After my heart stopped that day, 18 days after the birth of my son, although I had suffered a massive trauma and I had a big recovery ahead, little did I no that was the start of many battles yet to face.

The second my heart stopped In theatre that day the girl I once was, the girl I had been for 24 years died & my life would never be the same again. Everything was about to change completely.

I was in hospital for quite a while....

When it came I was finally able to go home, thinking everything would go back to normal, feeling excited doesn't even cover how I felt at the thought I could finally be a mum to my beautiful baby boy,

I remember it being the first time I took him out to the local shopping centre, myself and my mother walking around bumping into people I knew, excited to show my beautiful baby boy of to all..... That soon changed as I started feeling dizzy, and just not for one day did I feel myself,
I remember on numerous occasions just collapsing, waking either in hospital's mainly Wythenshawe hospital or waking with circles of people around me panicking giving me sips of water.

For the most of Alfies first year I was in and out of hospital & had no idea why, having numerous tests, one after the other.

I was in constant pain, I can remember doing things I always known how yet collapsing because my body was to week, or if I would pick or lift something I started to notice I would struggle, then even opening door handles became a struggle, my hands, in fact my whole body was just to week & I felt exhausted all the time.

I was forever back and forth in hospital, always exhausted, in pain, pains I never thought could exist,

Each time I would be rushed to hospital because suffering with so many symptoms, not knowing what was wrong, thinking I could continue to do things the way I had for 24 years.... I was quickly noticing that everything that once was was drastically changing for the worse.

Both my mum and myself, and anyone being a new mother and after the trauma I had just suffered I was petrified, my mum who had her own problems around that time stayed strong to be there for me and my boy, she did all his feeds, changed him, bathed him, which I'm very grateful of and I understand how lucky I am to have had my mother there to support myself and my son with all those things, truth be told I couldn't of got through it without her, yet these precious moments bit by bit were taken away from me, moments I missed, moments il never get back.

My body was in excruciating pains, and as the days progressed, and those days became weeks I just became worse and worse.....

I would rock and roll, the pains that ran through my body, I can describe like pains swimming, waving throughout, in between pains which I can describe as tho it felt like something was rushing from inside to the very tip of my skin to which I felt my body was going to burst open & explode....

In between throbbing pains which would be consistent, over all I would be rocking and rolling in such horrific pains, feeling absolutely exhausted, tears streaming down my face, after this was continuous for at least 6 months I remember being sat on my bed, my mum stood facing looking down at me, and as much as it pains me to say this, I remember looking in her eyes and I begged my mother that day to end my life for me, I was to week, to distressed, confused, scared, and absolutely drained.
As I'm righting this now although that moment I could not see, looking back as memories flash in my mind I can see the heartbreak in my mothers face.

Soon after I was diagnosed with PTSD,

I had been suffering with Post traumatic stress disorder & suffering terribly with something called night terrors as a result of my post trauma, so being in all that pain, also being on so much medication which all had different side effects, and that I would rock and roll in so much pain If I wouldn't collapse I would crash out fast asleep only then I would have the most horrific vivid night terrors, to me all those horrific night terrors to me although I understand now they wasn't real yet whilst going through this they were just as real as anything else I had been through, I felt every burn, every gasp for air, everything traumatic causing me pain in that moment it was just as painful, just as real & I was just as scared as I had ever been.

I don't have much recollection of waking from these night terrors only waking petrified in such fear as my mum can recall these events clearly, where I would wake screaming out her name, yet many times she ran into my room where I would be cowered into a corner sobbing saying please get my mum.
My mum says she would spend a lot of time convincing me she was my mum, watching me shaking in fear, shouting out that things had happened to me, some bits of the trauma I suffered in theatre yet also things that had never happened to me at all......

My mum says she was very worried for me, she didn't understand what was happening, I believed as I was hurt so bad in these night terrors and that was so vivid as though I lived every moment that I would scream and sob everyone is going to hurt me.....

I have spent many years with a therapist/ psychologist/ & some time with a psychiatrist, Going through all this it became to much for me, the pains, exhaustion, feeling afraid, lost, lonely, crying for my mother who was there yet broken because I couldn't see it was her, This led to me having a very bad break down & it's took a lot of work and many years for me to deal with that.
Which is also why it's very hard going back to this, to tell my story, to explain how I got to where I am now, for you to get an understanding of how I got here, because I truly need help, and it is truly my only hope...

I still suffer massively with my illness and it still effects me all the same yet i don't have it as consistent as I did back then being in so much pain & I never knew back then the dangers and the consequences it meant for me to be put on the medication I was, & each time I would be back and forth in hospital my medication would be increased, that was 6 years ago, being made dependent on absolutely massive amounts of opioid medication is now killing me, I've been told that being on this amount of medication I'm on, and the opioids I'm prescribed as now resulted in my organs slowly shutting down, I've been told by specialist doctors over the country that if I don't reduce the amount of medication I'm on that soon my heart will stop and I will not wake up.

I'm so grateful for the times I get to spend with my boy, he's amazing, and every time I feel I'm having a good day, I make sure we make as many precious memories as possible, I'm so scared in my heart that one day soon that's all my boy is going to have.....

Due to the retained placenta, which caused my blood poisoning and the trauma I suffered 18 days after I gave birth to my son, that's resulted in the life long disability in which I was diagnosed with around 2 months after my breakdown.
As a result of the toxic and traumatic shock to my body, numerous doctors have stated that as been the cause of my illness, and all my problems since.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia to begin with and the severity of my illness is very rare, The medication I'm currently on although there as not been one day I have not been in pain, yet after 9 years I am able to manage it a little better, still every day is a battle, I've suffered, or developed so many added infection's, over the past couple of years I've been critical many times with pneumonia 3 times, meningitis, pleurisy, numerous kidney infections, lung infections, sepsis, fighting for my life each time... 

Fibromyalgia varies with different patients yet regarding my own condition, when I have flare up's which is more than less I have pains at once, whilst aching and feeling I have weights on top of my body the feeling of sparks shooting, a pain that I can only imagine would feel like electric shock.....

Chapter 2.... ( tears on my pillow ) to follow. 

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